AD Sullivan journal 2013

    I'm revisiting this recent poem not because of its complexity but rather its intense sexuality and how it seems to say something other than what it says on the surface.   This by far is the most provocative of all the poems she has posted in the year and a half of her current blog and as pointed out in earlier journal entry about this poem she clearly has gotten involved with someone again, an acutely sexual encounter that lacks the emotional appeal the poems she posted earlier this year. Although she posted a poem earlier about her lust for a man the relationship rapidly evolved into something more than just a physical affair whereas in this poem lust and all its associated sensual experience is at the core. She seems to focus on the remarkable physical closeness of her latest lover, while apparently also creating distance between them. (something like the poem I wrote about her last year in which I said, “it never gets any better than this,” when it was clea...

    The freeholder for Hometown told me he didn’t quite trust “D.” the writer that replaced her in the Virgin Mayor’s town and eventually moved down to Hometown just in time for the mayoral election. This may be because the freeholder heard something about her involvement with other people at our office, information I didn’t tell him, but he might have gotten via the blogger GA, who seems to know more about what goes on in our office than I do, and I work there. GA seems to have a source in our office which I suspect might be our boss – who seems to post on GA’s site as Kboken and is probably spreading this stuff in order to keep her (our poet) from getting too powerful, even though she quit our office more than nine months ago. GA may also be talking to the operative who spilled the beans on the poet and RR to the Small Man, causing her to resign in the first place. Rumor or not, factual or not, the wrong people outside our office are starting to smell the stink. ...

  The big question raised by yesterday’s journal is just who it is that she is trying to manipulate? The poem she posted is so specific in its descriptions of oral sex that she seems to have voided her ability to make it apply to more than one person – as she seems to have done in some of her prior poems. The feeling I have gotten from the beginning of this sordid affair was that she constantly tries to juggle more than one person at a time, and somehow manages to come across as credible. Since she uses social media as a more direct way to manipulate whatever her current subject is – via photos or provocative posts, even sometimes making bold statements during our meetings, it is part of the reason I think she tries to keep unwanted guests away from her Facebook page, while at the same time, she does her best to keep the page open as honey designed to attract someone she is interested in. This is a crazy balancing act. Her poetry is different. Since she knows more than ...

    Any doubt that she has a new romantic interest vanished with the posting of her latest poem. And this casts a different light on many of the more recent poems she’s posted – most of all those posted since the beginning of the year. This is a highly unusual poem in that it is so upfront, intensely sensual, but with an after taste of potential manipulation. Not me this time, but somebody close (I hope its not our temporary boss <I suspect not>, or our male boss <which I also discount>, but someone she is trying to move in a particular way, trying to convince that man she is deeply in love – which is why I am suspicious. If a legitimate testimony of her feelings, then she is deeper in love that I’ve seen since knowing her (again making me skeptical of it.) It is just too blatant. Although she had several poems since the beginning of the year that touched on similar themes, her most recent poems seem full of outrage, so this poem’s mood change is so abr...

  I keep coming back to the poem she posted on May 12, 2012, not because I expected to read in it birthday wished, though I now expect to find nuggets of dissatisfaction with me, and read into it – if not a message to me, then an explanation as to why things went bad at that time, an explanation to herself as to her overall loss of infatuation we’d shared over the previous month and a half. The poem is remarkable for its lack of bitterness yet still manages to lay out her frustrations with life how she has not yet squeezed out of her existence those things she most desires last year when she posted it for the first time I wrote about it catching only the briefest of glimpses of the deeper meaning she tried to convey this year after having read and reread it many times almost as many as I have listened to her music I get but more of what she is trying to say though most likely 10 years from now after having read it that many more times I will discover meanings that still elude m...

  As said earlier, the poem she posted on October 4, 2012 about leaving our office, comes almost exactly one year after her posting a poem about her high hopes when first hired. Even when I first read this poem – telling me before anybody in the office did that she had resigned – I saw all the flaws in logic in contained, and how she took blame for things that just weren’t hers to take blame for. Or maybe, rather, thinking that she failed herself, even as she was being pressured into resigning by – what I later learned – was the Small Man. Although oddly, she attributed this to “they,” suggesting others may have been involved in that fateful confrontation. The man who exposed her relationship with RR was a political operative from elsewhere in the county, who had worked on the campaign for the man the Virgin Mayor defeated, but someone who had been tied to RR in a much earlier congressional campaign in Perth Amboy, and to whom RR had promised to give the political dirt on...

  A poem she posted just about the time she started working at our office reflect many of the themes she would expand upon over the next year and a half: starting over and getting what she thinks she deserves. After more than a year of unemployment, failed opportunities and a spoiled romance, she is looking for a chance to hear “the wounds and worries of past dismay.” Then, from then on, she engaged a new face of “confidence and reticence” and by adopting this new face she can somehow get the “charge required” in order to start over and actually see it through to an acceptable conclusion: “This time.” Almost to the day a year later, she would post a poem about not having what it takes to see this current thing through, somewhat ironic bookend to her employment at our office, and how she ended up where she started, an oft repeated pattern of behavior she engaged in long prior to her coming with us. In her poem in October 2011, she hoped her new start would lead to “lasting...