Numbness is not life Saturday, June 01, 2013

  

The heat makes it hard to think, but never hard to feel. My moods go up and down, and around, so I’m not sure what I’ll feel next, only confused.

You don’t get run over by an inanimate object and think better of yourself for it, even when you knew it was wrong when it happened, but let it happen anyway, because feeling pain is better than no feeling at all.

Numbness is not life; and neither is the emptiness that comes later, the hollowed-out feeling that comes from being run through for no reason, or for some criminal enterprise I just happened to get in the middle of, and watch continue on out of control because they who are the masters of evil have little to lose by hurting people who get between them and what they want.

It’s all too sad.

But it is harsh truth, that it is easier to hurt other people than to make yourself better, and easier to justify it by saying that’s how life is because you’re just too lazy or inept to change yourself.

This is a journal entry I can never post, of course, because it would only fall on empty ears, on the ears of someone who is so caught up in creating misery that there is no room for anything else, and certainly won’t serve as an education or inspiration, when in the end, there is nothing to hope for. I’m told that it is this way because this person decided that to make the best of a bad situation rather than make a bad situation better, and that it started about a decade ago when someone helped talk this person into it. But from what I can see, it has been this way since birth, always the same scheme, always cheating and then denying that the rules apply.

I guess now I know how road kill feels watching the tail lights fade – unremorsefully in the distance.


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