Not without regrets March 26, 2013
Her poems come in spurts, either one posted over a long dry
period or a bunch in a sudden surge.
So, the sparsity of poems over the last month has been
replaced by three or four poems posted in rapid succession, and last night, two,
and then her sending me an official press release this morning – perhaps needing
to bury herself in work to overcome the emotional trauma the latest poem
suggests.
To whom the poem is written for will remain a mystery. But
it is clear she panicked when she found herself consumed by this person after a
long time doing without real love in her life, and she arrived in his world at
a time when that world began to crumble with her in it. She claims she feared
she would contribute more to its deterioration if she remained in it.
But the poem is also about her struggle to continue as an
individual, apparently panicking at the possibility of losing herself in a
relationship with him.
There is selfishness on both sides. His reaction apparently
to the circumstances, and her counter reaction by holding back.
Her reaction to his tough selfishness was her depriving him
of that moment when they could have come together – if only for that moment.
She could not let go of her ego, something she will regret for a long, long
time.
In some ways, the poem is her trying to explain to her lover
why the affair did not work. At the same time, she seems to be struggling to
understand how she got into the mess in the first place, and why she remained
int it, and why in the end she had to give it up, forever.
She has already moved on, unable to give herself up for the
other person.
There is irony in the title in that both people involved are
selfish.
The poem is written largely in chronological order in that
it speaks to her coming into his life after a long, desolate emotional time,
and how overwhelming this was, him letting her into his world.
Even then, she suggests his world was already starting to crumble,
and if previous poems were true about her seeking to get involved with a
married man, then this poem suggests his marriage was already falling apart.
The problem is her getting involved only made it worse.
The poem suggests he was not handling it well, and perhaps
wanted her to make a commitment to him, only, she wasn’t willing to make it,
wanting to hold onto her own identity rather than get lost in something. She
held back selfishly, denying a brief moment of bliss, a decision she says she’ll
regret for a long, long time.
Her use of the word “world” is significant.
Early in the poem, he lets her into his world. Later in the
poem she – through inaction and deliberate choice – denies him the mending of “two
worlds,” in this context likely meaning bonding. She said she stalled because
she could not let go of herself.
In describing his “rubbed raw” side of feeling selfish, she
implies that he had other sides of his personality that she had not expected.
She also uses the word “important” twice. The first time as a
power word, thinking she was important enough to withhold her love, after being
important enough to deny him that immortal moment of bonding.
This complex sequence suggests that this conscious decision
may have come as a result of his blaming her for something she may or may not
have done or had not done intentionally. In other words, she withdrew her
affections intentionally as a reaction to his accusing her of ruining their
chance to come together.
She apparently panicked when it came to decide if she wanted
to spend the rest of her life with him, partly influenced by the chaos of his failing
marriage.
The repeated use of “break” and “breaking” is interesting,
too, because it implies great weight on his shoulders and suggests her
involvement only makes matters worse.
Unfortunately, the poem fits the pattern of her life in
which she is drawn to people she believes can help her, only to find the
situation much more complex and difficult than she first thought, and
eventually abandons them again – but not without regret.
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