Almost famous? April 14, 2013

   

When re-reading her last posted poem again for the dozenth time, it occurs to me how much the concept of love figures into her otherwise short life, something she appears to want more than anything and something she doesn’t seem to be able to get, even when she gets it, and how she appreciates the unexpected presence in her life that may or may not be love, but helps her cope with her deepest fears.

The other significant element in the poem is the concept of fate, and how she is locked into some particular fate – which perhaps when young she thought she was fated to greatness, but now lives with the idea that she may never get what she wants most – and over time has come to accept this, and has other things that she can rely on.

Essentially, the poem says at 33 she has spent most of her life alone, and while she has company now, and appreciates it, she doesn’t trust it to last as the horrors her dreams seep into her everyday life, that she is out of step with the everyday world and then finds herself in a situation which defies those dark assessment, and has again the possibility of love.

Who this person is, it is impossible to say, how long it will last remains a mystery since good things in her life tend not to last.

The poem is haunting because of this lingering hope for love in the midst of anguish, a need so intense that is pours through the words in scalding agony.

Earlier poems referred to lust, but she clearly has transitioned to the next level, somewhat spiritual, although it is unclear if the man she is writing these poems about shares this on the same level or whether or not he is free to, based on other commitments – such as his marriage.

The tension in all of these most recent poems revolves around her being on the outside of something she really desires, and thinks she ought to have, but life has denied her, combined with the inner turmoil that fate has other plans for her, plans she once assumed destined for greatness, now filled with the prospect of a short and insignificant life – something she continues to fight again, using all her remarkable talents to overcome.

She wants her time to strut herself on stage before making her exit, and has yet to get that moment – even though a times she has come close, almost famous.

There is a sense also that there is a conflict between what she wants to achieve and the prospect of obtaining love, as if she might be able to achieve one, but it would always be at the expense of the other. Those things she would need to do to achieve fame would make it impossible to find true love, while on the other hand, true love might actually suppress her ability to achieve greatness.

There is some evidence in this over the course of her poems, even though she never quite says it outright in any of the poems I’ve read to date.


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