It’s too late. May 12, 2013

 

 

It has been a full year since the whole thing fell apart; we were already on the outside when she felt sorry that I was not going to celebrate my birthday. So, she agreed to celebrate with me ,then changed her mind, and then agreed finally to meet me at the bar a block from the office where everything went haywire

I brought a card and candy to give her as an apology. She hated both and asked why I was giving her gifts when it was my birthday.

After that things rapidly declined; we started up a conversation with some couple from out of town and she started to flirt with the bartender and I got a bit jealous, eventually deciding the whole thing wasn't fun and I told her I was going home.

She got very angry, very upset in that real way that still scares me, blasting me for abandoning her

I suppose she was right.

Over the last year I learned a lot more about just how I mishandled that situation and continue to mishandle it until the damage was irreparable and disliked turn to hate and fear.

Some of those posts I managed to sneak past my cyber nanny had more than a little tang of bitterness I long regret and we're often inaccurate, proving one important point she raised that night at the bar: that I didn't know her at al

I won't pretend to know where any better after a year but I know myself better and have reached a point where I am careful not to make the same mistakes and the safest place to be in all of this is at the greatest distance possible and to accept as a gift those pieces of poetry she chooses to post, sharing a bit of her inner world I would not otherwise be privy to.

At some point ,of course, I expect even that will go away as she decides she no longer needs to put her feelings out for the public display; she will eventually leave the place she works, and will see some new life and new place elsewhere too distant to even keep track of

A year after that disaster at the bar I can only regret never having healed the wounds I have caused and to quote one of her great songs “It’s too late.”


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