Why bother? May 8, 2013 (dates may not be accurate)

 

 

I should have known from the drastic change of tone in some of her poems that she was no longer addressing the man she was in love with, several poems over the last week or so have grown darker – perhaps reflecting her overall frustration with what is going on behind the scenes where she works and with how what looked to be a promising love affair gone sour.

No doubt, some of my posts may have seemed provocative since in some cases, they alluded (at least in language ) to some of her poems.

While I have had great doubts about a poetic communication between us in the past, the scribe poem made it clear she may still be blaming me for spoiling her plans at our office and her career as a writer.

Since the beginning of the year, her poetry tended to become more personal (apparently having nothing to do with me) and more gentle, even kinder in her hopes for finally have found love.

The rage of the summer seemed to have disappeared, and reading her poetry – while not easy since it portrays deep emotional issues – was much more pleasurable knowing I was not at the receiving end.

It may be possible she simply held back the rage.

While I continue to hold out the best for her, several poems may well have abandoned all subtly and may have again refocused her anger and frustration on me.

All this may well be in my imagination, so I’m only revisiting some of those poems which I may or may not have misinterpreted during my first round.

Her scribe poem shows just how conscious she is about exposing her vulnerabilities even in the heavily disguised format of poetry.

She admits that she is using words to help make sense of world that might not seem normal to normal people, the persistent absurdity of her life, and then casting blame on someone (you – me?) for more or less forcing her to get better at her craft. This I assume reflects the poetry I’ve posted and is the first sense of offence she has reflected since the battles last summer, apparently storing up her rage at what I’ve written and responding in this manner.

At one point, I thought she got scared about how much she exposed herself in poetry and drew back to a safer place where she felt more control. And yet, reading her poetry, it is clear, she has exposed herself even more, even though only the most dedicated reader would be able to decipher much of it.

I have expect she hoped that if she ignored what I posted, I would eventually go away, and perhaps when I didn’t, she became enraged again.

It is hard to read some of the signals since she shut down her Facebook page not just once, but at least three times, yet for a while continued to post messages in the public area that exposed some of her inner feelings.

Her poems since the beginning of the year seem to have expressed details about a love affair that was at first promising, and then disaster (much of which I suspect we have not heard the last of yet.)

But almost all showed sincere compassion in the middle of pain. Then, she posted one about being reborn out of the ashes, the tone of which was so starkly in contrast to her love poems that it was a shock to read.

“You will not get me, you won’t, don’t try, don’t breathe it or anything more will happen,” going on to say that she will take (him, you, me) down with her in flames, only she will manage to rise again.

Although when I first interpreted the poem, I saw it as reaction to her failed love affair, even though the one was so drastically different from other things she wrote. Now, with the scribe poem, I have my doubts and wonder if this may well be a reaction, a prelude to the scribe poem, a defiant declaration to me, rather than him.

The poem comes at a time when she is watching her world burn, a failed relationship as well as possible doom for the Virgin Mayor to whom she has died her fortunes, and it may well be she blames me somehow – even though I have almost nothing to do with the situation, and only speak from time to time with the people involved.

Had this come last summer, the poem might have made more sense, at a time when she flouted her power at the office, making it clear that she would do as she wished – implying if not saying it outright, look at what you could have had if you had only behaved, and now I’m with someone else not you.

Again, all this may be totally wrong, and I am misreading this as well as the scribe poem (and I hope I am) because it seems like a waste of time to bother with me at all since I no longer stand in the way of what she wants (perhaps never did). Perhaps, she gets irritated that I keep posting, getting around my cyber nanny enough to be annoying.



email to Al Sullivan

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