Last call for wonton behavior? May 2013


 

One last observation about her fairness poem before I move on to catch up with all the poems she has posted since.

Early on, when I first evaluated the poem, I skirted over the idea of wantonness.

While she demonstrated her propensity towards wantonness while I was with her early on last year, her definition might not be completely accurate, despite my shock at some of her statements.

“I like to get my share of dick,” she said when I asked at one point if she was bi-sexual, and she said she was.

More than half our texting alluded to sex. In one case, she asked me to take a picture of my penis. In another incident, she texted me via phone at work and asked me to go to the men’s room and masturbate.

 And I recall just how startled I was when she went out after having drinks with me to pick up some guy in a local bar to have sex with.

“Don’t confuse working things out sex with love,” she told me.

In her retro poem about changing priorities, she admitted she had no moral objection to using sex to get what she wants, something hinted at in this poem, although not quite as blatant as the poem looking back at 2003.

For a time, however, after a breakup with a long-time lover, she remained celibate until two of her close friends, a man and woman seduced her into a threesome.

She also told me she had tried a strap-on and liked the feeling of power it gave her.

And yet, all this and likely more said, what she seems to want most is not merely sex or romance, but someone to go to sleep with and wake up in the morning with.

She seems to want someone to cuddle on the couch with while watching her favorite shows on Food Network, a strong arm around her so she feels protected.

Over the last year, I gradually came to the conclusion that her self-declared wantonness was an act, a role like the one she played in community theater as Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, something that made a somewhat dorky girl growing up seem cool.

Over time, the role seems to have become reality, and she struggled with the guilt associated with that life style – and perhaps her propensity to trickle up in whatever job she works at – only at this moment, in this particular job, there is no up to trickle to, and she seems to feel trapped.

Ultimately, the poem is about coming to grips with sexuality, her ambition, and the guilt she claims people (including herself) are dumping on her.

How she resolves these things determines the whole of her future. I suspect, she eventually will end up in a good place, but she is putting herself through hell on the way there.



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