Doing things for ourselves June 16, 2013
Another poem of hers I did not play close enough attention
to from back in late April 2012.
It is a poem that suggest growing distance between me and
her, thought it is not blatantly a poem written to or about me.
Again, she posted the poem at a time when she was already
transitioning from me to our Temporary boss and perhaps to the owner as well.
The poem makes clear how she feels about traditional romance.
This should have served me warning since the poem came two weeks prior to my
birthday celebration in the Hometown bar when I tired to give her a card and
some candy (which she later said, “I don’t eat.”)
The poem makes it clear how she needs to remain independent,
a theme she sticks to in many later poems, especially the one in which she referred
to the pause she took when her lover wanted to develop a relationship of “we”
and she could not let go of “I.”
In her poem, she mentions “false cries of chivalry” and the
promises often articulated, and makes clear there are things she must provide
for herself.
After more than a year (despite my detailed journals), it is
difficult to remember what might have prompted this poem, or even whether or not
it comes about from something I said or did. She might well be reacting to
something someone else did or said, and not me at all.
The poem employs several plural pronouns – ourselves and we –
and this creates a remote tone of voice and avoids the extremely personal “I” keeping
the person she is talking to at arm’s length.
This is the antithesis of a love poem, which she says in a
remote, also clinical tones, “I don’t need what you have to offer , I can get
it for myself.”
A mistaken motion that sets off these false cries of chivalry,
seems to inspire a defiant self-reliance.
She refused to accept sweet words of love that had been offered
her, and the tone and language suggests she does not believe he is sincere when
he says such things. Or perhaps, she suspects some kind of emotional trap, a dependency
not needed or wanted from him or anybody else.
This poem seems to carry on from where her hummingbird poem
left off and perhaps even makes reference to the one eyed jacks poem even
earlier in the year, creating a single narrative – she wants to be accepted as
she is, does not need someone even in the name of love to try to change her,
and she needs to retain her independence, do for herself rather than depending
on false promises some men never actually keep.
She does not want to be saved, does want to be accepted, and
insists on standing on her own two feet.
This poem suggests that she does not trust his sincerity.
She clearly distrusts this person to whom she is addressing
in the poem.
Again, in hindsight, I was aware of the growing distance
between us at this time, distance she was deliberately putting between us. Reading
this poem, a year later, it becomes obvious that she had already moved on from
me, although I was so caught up in my own foolishness, I missed the important
message being sent.
All this, of course, is based on bold assumptions that may
or may not be true – something also true of most of these journal entries.
Since she was involved with other people at the time she
posted this poem, the poem might be aimed at any one of us, someone else entirely,
a phony romantic who wants to absorb her into his life, offering an assortment of
incentives most of which she rejects.
Clearly, regardless of whom the poem is aimed at, it is not
a positive poem and foreshadows dark days and a desperate need for her to keep
her own indent, and not get lost in a seat of phony, disingenuous promises.
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